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Ex-All Black Nehe Milner-Skudder recalls going to 'dark places' as injury blighted career

“I'd built up in my head what this year was going to look like and I watched it shatter in pieces right in front of me,” he said.

Former All Black Nehe Milner-Skudder recalled going into "dark places" after watching his year "shatter in pieces", as he spoke at the opening of New Zealand's first Suicide Prevention Office. 

Headfirst  ambassador Milner-Skudder told the audience, "it's OK to make mistakes, it's OK to fail, it's OK to not be OK and it's OK to talk about it".  

Sharing his own experience, Milner-Skudder said he wanted the resources and help that was available to him to be available for everyone. 

Milner-Skudder's breakout season was in 2015, making the All Blacks as a starting winger. After helping the All Blacks defend the Rugby World Cup that year, he was named World Rugby Breakthrough Player of the Year. 

Famous for the Skudder-step, constant injuries began to plague the rugby star, limiting game time and opportunities. 

"For me, personally this has been one of the toughest years in my life, my career to date," he said today. 

"Some of you may have noticed I haven't taken the field at all this year, to not be able to do something or to do what you love doing... I really struggled.

"Out of all the injuries I've suffered, the many setbacks I've had in my career this was by far the hardest to digest."

"I'd built up in my head what this year was going to look like and I watched it shatter in pieces right in front of me and there was nothing I could do about it."

The winger has been called back into the squad after good form for the Turbos.

He said despite building up a tool kit of strategies to deal with issues, he "still felt myself going into some pretty dark places".

"I started to get these negative thoughts about being judged, distancing myself from others out of fear of what they might think, how it'd be played out in the media. It all took its toll."

"Although I’ve gone through these challenging times, I know I'm way better equipped to cope and work through them.

"I know what it feels like to get down, but I also know I am one of the few extremely lucky and privilege to have the resources to help me."

Milner-Skudder said he wanted to ensure those resources were available to everyone. 

"My rugby career has taught me we all feel pressure and anxiety and we all get down at times, it's easy to bottle things up, I've seen the negative effects that can have on myself and my teammates."

He said it was "humbling" to be a Headfirst ambassador, an organisation which provides mental health help and wellness to rugby players. 

PM Jacinda Ardern said today the new agency is part of the Government’s commitment to cut NZ’s high rate of suicide.

"Through this work I've discovered a lot about myself, and also realised things need to change around the stigma around mental health, masculinity in society and rugby. Being part of that change has been bloody important to me. "

"Many of the participants, many of my teammates have come from the most at risk demographic, young, male Māori and Pasifika."

"It breaks me saying that."

The opening of the Suicide Prevention Office, launched to help tackle New Zealand's high suicide rate, went alongside a community suicide prevention fund of $12 million for Māori and Pacific people. 

"Last year, 685 New Zealanders are believed to have taken their lives through suicide," Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern said. 

"Each of those deaths was a tragedy and we must do more to support people in distress, or struggling with addiction."

The Government announced the office in September, aiming to provide "central leadership and better coordination" of suicide prevention work. 

It comes as new figures show  suicide in New Zealand is now at the highest level  since records began 12 years ago. 

In the year to June 30, 685 people died by suicide - 17 more than in the previous year.

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