Model Chrissy Teigen has revealed the reason behind her decision to post candid photos of herself and husband John Legend to social media after suffering a miscarriage earlier this month.
Teigen and Legend's son, Jack, was born stillborn at 20 weeks.
In a heartbreaking blog post to website Medium, the 34-year-old - who has daughter Luna, 4, and son Miles, 2, with Legend - revealed she had requested for him and her mother to " take pictures, no matter how uncomfortable it was."
She said while the "very hesitant" Legend "hated it," Teigen said she knew she would need "to know of this moment forever, the same way I needed to remember us kissing at the end of the aisle, the same way I needed to remember our tears of joy after Luna and Miles."
"I absolutely knew I needed to share this story," she continued, adding, "I cannot express how little I care that you hate the photos. How little I care that it’s something you wouldn’t have done."
"I lived it, I chose to do it, and more than anything, these photos aren’t for anyone but the people who have lived this or are curious enough to wonder what something like this is like. These photos are only for the people who need them. The thoughts of others do not matter to me."
The television personality said she had constant bleeding in the month before the birth, having been diagnosed with a partial placenta abruption.
"At this point I had already come to terms with what would happen: I would have an epidural and be induced to deliver our 20 week old, a boy that would have never survived in my belly," she said.
"After a couple nights at the hospital, my doctor told me exactly what I knew was coming — it was time to say goodbye. He just wouldn’t survive this, and if it went on any longer, I might not either.
"We had tried bags and bags of blood transfusions, every single one going right through me like we hadn’t done anything at all.
"Finally, I had a pretty bad night in bed, after a not-so-great ultrasound, where I was bleeding a bit more than even my abnormal amount. My bleeding was getting heavier and heavier.
"The fluid around Jack had become very low — he was barely able to float around. At some points, I swore it was so low I could lay on my back and feel his arms and legs from outside my belly."
She revealed that after several nights in a hospital, her doctor "told me exactly what I knew was coming — it was time to say goodbye."
"He just wouldn’t survive this, and if it went on any longer, I might not either," she wrote.
"Late one night, I was told it would be time to let go in the morning. I cried a little at first, then went into full blown convulsions of snot and tears, my breath not able to catch up with my own incredibly deep sadness.
"Even as I write this now, I can feel the pain all over again. Oxygen was placed over my nose and mouth, and that was the first picture you saw. Utter and complete sadness."
After Jack was born, Legend, Teigen and her mother held him in turn and "said our own private goodbyes, mom sobbing through Thai prayer."
"I asked the nurses to show me his hands and feet and I kissed them over and over and over again. I have no idea when I stopped. It could have been 10 minutes or an hour," she said.
"People say an experience like this creates a hole in your heart. A hole was certainly made, but it was filled with the love of something I loved so much. It doesn’t feel empty, this space. It feels full."