No one trusts Moses Mackay. Then, almost everyone trusts him. And by the end of this week on Celebrity Treasure Island, I don’t know if even Moses trusts himself.
Sam Wallace doesn’t want his wife anywhere near the modern-day renaissance man. Eric Murray reckons he’s the island’s version of king-maker Winston Peters.
There’s no doubt Moses’ journey is one of truly biblical proportions.
Jodie Rimmer is convinced he threw a challenge, giving his beloved ex-team Mako a chilly bin full of chocolate biscuits.
The whole thing leads to a rebranding exercise - meet Judas Mackay, New Zealand.
“Judas” was grilled by his Kahu bunkmates about all the Mako secrets he’s still keeping. He was even spied on by his new captain, Shannon Ryan, who should definitely not consider signing up to the SIS.
And then, in a massive twist that came out of nowhere and I’m not sure any of us will ever really understand, Moses (now referred to as the artist formerly known as Judas) was somehow named captain of his adopted team, at the expense of Eric and Jodie.
To his credit, the opera singer looked more confused than anyone on the island.
But wait, there’s more!
Just hours after snatching it, Moses lost his recently procured crown, when Kahu boss Gary Freeman won the power to hand the captaincy back to Shannon.
Then - and here’s the real kicker - it turns out it was Moses who signalled to his original team mates that it should be Shannon leading Kahu. Anything for a sympathetic enemy, right?
Confused? You, me and Moses too, mate!
The highlight of all this madness though, may have been the reaction of Eric.
To say the moustachioed rower is unhappy is a gosh-darn understatement. He’s spitting venom and stacking cats.
He’s shaking hands, because that’s the proper thing to do when you are a good sportsman, but marching off into the ocean and never looking the person who beat you in the eye again is maybe not a sign of the Olympic spirit.
He’s spewing forth a monologue about loving an individual game. Being good at an individual game. He’s ready for an individual game. He has also, perhaps, forgotten his social media handle is literally @Kiwipair_eric. Somewhere, Hamish Bond is rolling his eyes and counting his blessings.
Kahu are hungry - and falling apart. Sam is claiming successes that weren’t his and Shannon is happily calling him out in front of all his mates, publicly burning him back into the truth zone. Or as Sam stupidly called it, delivering a “Hey sister diva snap”.
In less patronising news, it was a week of #sponcon, as the kids say.
Branded biscuits and pizza prizes were unsubtly woven into the show, but who cares, because Mako finally won some food, and Shane Cameron’s face when he won food was possibly the sweetest thing New Zealand TV viewers have ever witnessed. Pure, hungry, desperate joy!
And who knew Moses and Gary were the buddy comedy we all needed? Their double act during the captain’s challenge (a repeat of week one’s pineapple box, truth or lie game) was gold.
“Moses, I have a toilet brush in my box” is right up there with “You’re not in Guatemala now, Dr Ropata”.
For anyone paying attention to the actual competition taking place, sweet reality TV prince Matty McLean was cruelly let go, when Garry threw a hat - and not a mercy card - at him on Sunday night, after a week of suspense.
It was an unsurprisingly different story when Shane was beaten by Eric in a balancing-act elimination challenge, but lived to see another, mercy-filled, day.
And it was a sad farewell to Jodie Rimmer, who really should be on our screens every week.
From the duck mask to the fake vomiting, the decision to bury her clues before she was eliminated (because it’s “more fun”) to painstakingly fighting the patriarchy *cough* Eric, Sam *cough*, she has brought nothing but light and hilarity with her to the island.
Her elimination challenge saw her fight hard against Athena Angelou, who has finally started to reveal exactly why she’s called the Pocket Rocket. But in the end, it wasn’t enough.
Jodie was a woman who spoke the truth in a world where secrets were everywhere.
And now, as the teams have merged into one, those secrets are set to explode. Get ready to duck, celebs.
Bridget Jones is a TVNZ publicist and former entertainment reporter.